We want to share a list of the books that we have come across, so far, in researching open adoption. Some are fun reads, while others are informative.
The Kid: what happened after my boyfriend and I decided to go get pregnant by Dan Savage
An amazing, funny, and insightful story of Dan Savage and his partner Terry Miller's decision to have a baby. It's a great read for people considering adoption, or for gay families who want to give their straight relatives an inside perspective of the struggle gay families have just to become families. Dan does a great job of making hard points in a very non-threatening, approachable way. A story about confronting homophobia, falling in love, getting older, and getting a little bit smarter, The Kid is a book about the very human desire to have a family.
Between Mom and Jo by Julie Anne Peters (Young Adult section)
A story told in flashbacks by Nick, 14, revealing what it was like growing up with two moms and watching their relationship fall apart. A story of common life: a normal kid growing up with excitements and hardships of childhood, having two moms, experiencing cancer and alcoholism in the family, and surviving "divorce." A good story of how Nick's emotional struggle to redefine his relationships with his parents will remind readers that a family's love can survive even the most difficult times.
The Open Adoption Experience: a complete guide for adoptive and birth families-from making the decision through the child's growing years by Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon Kaplan Roszia
An informative read on demystifying open adoption and describing with vivid examples all stages of the relationship - from understanding open adoption, moving towards open adoption, birth and placement, how the open adoption relationship grows and changes, and about children in open adoption. The book provides a non-judgemental discussion on the advantages of open adoption as well as common problems.
The Open Adoption Book by Bruce M. Rappaport, Ph.D.
As founder and director of one of the country's leading open adoption agencies, Independent Adoption Center (IAC; who we are highly considering working with), Bruce Rappaport interweaves personal stories and real-life experiences of adopting parents, birthparents, and adopted children while answering the most frequently asked questions. Through facilitating thousands of successful open adoptions, he has acquired an intimate understanding of open adoption and explains how open adoption is the healthiest and most humane method for all parties involved.
Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner
Two pioneers in the field collaborate on the long-term impact of open adoption. They include letters and case stories to erode the mythology and show the positive impact of eliminating secrecy and shame from adoption. (I haven't finished this book yet, but so far is good)
Other books and magazines I have found, but have not been able to get my hands on yet include:
Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber
Making Room in Our Hearts: keeping family ties through open adoption by Micky Duxbury
Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother by Jana Wolff
Adoptive Families Magazine
Let us know if you come across another source we should look at. We are excited to read everything we can and are happy to have all of you involved!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
What we learned
We arrived at the information session only five minutes late - what else would you expect from a couple that is habitually late?
We found our seats and as we took turns introducing ourselves, we realized that the gays were more abundent than those "opposite-sex" couples; 60:40. We also weren't the only young couple - there was another late twenties/early thirties lesbian couple who live nearby...and they were "normal" too. This was the opposite than what we expected, since from reading numerous books on open adoptions, the typical couple who adopts are heterosexual, mid-thirties to fourties, and usually have experienced infertile issues. It was heartwarming to see.
We realized that our fears of unhealthy babies and low-class birthmoms from imaging mulitple types of birthmoms should disappear after we are matched with a birthmother. I hope that they are right since we have imagined:
- a malnurished highschool girl
- a dirt poor highschool girl, going against her parent's wish to keep the baby
- an alcoholic and/or drug-addicted young woman
The information session (and author Dan Savage in The Kid) clarified a part of our fear finding that the majority of women who put their baby up for open adoption are college age who have had an untimely pregnancy and want nothing but the best for their child. These women can see into the future, find the strength to put their unborn child first, and are rewarded by experiencing the benefits of open adoption and seeing their biological child's happiness.
From the info session, we had our questions answered and learned that we were already pretty knowledgable about the open adoption process. We also learned that open adoption is the way for us to start a family (unlike the couple behind us who were only concerned about genetic testing and could NOT believe that the birthmom can't be forced into genetic testing; they left during the next break).
Now, knowing that SML is on the waitlist for UNC Nursing School, we will wait to sign-up for the weekend intensive class with the adoption agency, since we want to start this process with SML enrolled in a program.
For now, we continue to wait and read everything we can find on open adoption.
We found our seats and as we took turns introducing ourselves, we realized that the gays were more abundent than those "opposite-sex" couples; 60:40. We also weren't the only young couple - there was another late twenties/early thirties lesbian couple who live nearby...and they were "normal" too. This was the opposite than what we expected, since from reading numerous books on open adoptions, the typical couple who adopts are heterosexual, mid-thirties to fourties, and usually have experienced infertile issues. It was heartwarming to see.
We realized that our fears of unhealthy babies and low-class birthmoms from imaging mulitple types of birthmoms should disappear after we are matched with a birthmother. I hope that they are right since we have imagined:
- a malnurished highschool girl
- a dirt poor highschool girl, going against her parent's wish to keep the baby
- an alcoholic and/or drug-addicted young woman
The information session (and author Dan Savage in The Kid) clarified a part of our fear finding that the majority of women who put their baby up for open adoption are college age who have had an untimely pregnancy and want nothing but the best for their child. These women can see into the future, find the strength to put their unborn child first, and are rewarded by experiencing the benefits of open adoption and seeing their biological child's happiness.
From the info session, we had our questions answered and learned that we were already pretty knowledgable about the open adoption process. We also learned that open adoption is the way for us to start a family (unlike the couple behind us who were only concerned about genetic testing and could NOT believe that the birthmom can't be forced into genetic testing; they left during the next break).
Now, knowing that SML is on the waitlist for UNC Nursing School, we will wait to sign-up for the weekend intensive class with the adoption agency, since we want to start this process with SML enrolled in a program.
For now, we continue to wait and read everything we can find on open adoption.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Announcing our decision
We have been asked for many years when we are "going to start having children." This act for us is not an easy accomplishment and I believe would be considered a miracle if it happened.
We will never have an unplanned child.
For many years we have been discussing how we will build a family and how we plan to parent. We thought we had it all figured out until a few months ago when our eyes were opened to the process of open adoption. After lengthy research, many books, and multiple discussions, we have decided to start the open adoption process.
We have joyfully just started announcing this decision to our family and friends and still have many more conversations to go. We are signed up for an information session with an agency, that still isn't for another few weeks. Regardless, we are announcing (and starting a blog on) our decision to start "having kids."
We will never have an unplanned child.
For many years we have been discussing how we will build a family and how we plan to parent. We thought we had it all figured out until a few months ago when our eyes were opened to the process of open adoption. After lengthy research, many books, and multiple discussions, we have decided to start the open adoption process.
We have joyfully just started announcing this decision to our family and friends and still have many more conversations to go. We are signed up for an information session with an agency, that still isn't for another few weeks. Regardless, we are announcing (and starting a blog on) our decision to start "having kids."
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